Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Megz - up, close and personal

This post is proper with title and everything! But it is going to be really short. I am not used to writing about myself. The few ppl who read my blog have asked me why have you never written about yourself? Why do you call yourself megalomaniac? Why do you say arrogance is not good? Why contradict yourself?

Well, because of repeated questions and request for clarifications I have finally decided to come clean. By megalomaniac I mean my world revolves around me. I am self-centred. I am interested in improving myself. I am interested in my dreams, my aspirations, my opinions... But most of all I'm interested in learning. And learning will not come if a 'you' or 'he' or 'she' is not there in my life. But face it, we have people in our lives because we feel good. (Can I generalize) Most often we like those who like us. Right??

Now that I've deviated, let me say something that I very strongly feel. Why do people say "I did that for you!" I ask myself, is that really true? Can I really help someone or do something for someone without expecting anything in return (This is not an extension of my expectations post) Can I? Do I believe in service? In charity? In giving? Unconditionally??? NO! Purely because at the end of the day I do something for my satisfaction. I want to feel good. Let me take a simple example. They say one gets 'punya' giving water to a thirsty person. I obviously want that punya so I serve a thirsty person. Right? Or if I didn't care for things like 'punya' I would do it so that my conscience does not ask me "why didn't you give water to him when you could?" A clear (relatively) conscience is everyone's need right? Now, tell me.. Where did the he/she/you come? I can only see a big 'I' everywhere. In capital letters!!!

Whether it is my thoughts or my feelings or my opinions or my idiosyncracies.. whether it is my relationships or my workmanship or my social life... whether it is issues that make me think or events that have moved me or experiences in my life... what I read or see or hear or feel... Or most of all what I learn... EVERYTHING is about me. Now it is up to you to decide if I'm arrogant ot egoistic or an egotist!! But then again that's your opinion. I respect it. But I can do nothing about it...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"Ashwattama is dead" Isn't this what Yudhishtira told Drona during the war? It was a white lie. But it was this lie which proved to be a blackmark on his honesty... I ask everyone and myself... What is honesty? What is truth? What are lies???

I lie. All the time. They are all white lies. But I still do. Why do I lie? Simple. I don't want to tell the truth. Why don't I want to tell the truth? Simple again, I simply don't. Why? Why? Am I scared? Naaa. I am not scared. There are some things which I believe I needn't tell anyone, so I lie.

What is honesty then? If I lie so much, how did I become honest? I usually lie when I keep someone else's secret. What is a secret? Anything that has been told to me trusting me to keep it to myself is a secret. And to keep someone's trust I'll do anything...

If I don't want to tell people some things and hence I lie about it, what's wrong? Why should some one know everything about me? I'm not deliberately trying to hide anything. Even if I do why do I become the liar???

Lying to hurt, lying to someone you care, lying like a coward are all wrong (What is wrong?)... But lying for a good cause?? (What is good? Oof I ask too many questions!) But, right now, what is good for me is good and vice versa! As for the questions I have raised... I'm yet to find answers...