Reading my own post yesterday made me realize that there is a thin line between being confident and being arrogant. A person who knows me will say that I was being the former, but from a stranger's point of view... I seem arrogant....

Let me go back to what I said... I had said I don't mind staying alone. Or I would rather stay alone than live false relationships... And I had made a random comment about unconditional love... I've realized my thoughts lacked clarity yesterday... Let me make an attempt to say what I really meant...

Coming to the term false relationships... Here I'm refering to relationships which don't grow. Where there is pressure on the relationship, where there are names, where the relationship exists because of certain 'ties' or because of the fact that 'blood is thicker than water' not because of WANTING to be in the relationship...

By staying alone I mean, (I repeat) I CAN stay alone, not that I WANT to! And one more thing that has driven me to say this is that the 'society' says you 'need people'. I just want to rebel (ha ha!) Not for the sake of rebelling, but to prove I'm not an 'abla naari'...

So, what is my idea of a relationship? Do I expect a yes for everything I say?... No! ... Do I expect royal treatment?... Ha ha! Not really!! Then what is a good relationship according to me? Simple, one in which both of us grow... together... One in which the connection will always be there...

Jumping to 'unconditional love' (!!!)... I am yet to understand it fully myself, but this is what I've understood... I cannot stop liking someone even though I have drifted away from that person... I still treasure great memories and know that the core person in her/him has not changed... But if the connection has snapped, I can't be in a relationship with that person. 

Makes sense?... No??? To me it sure does!!!

I am someone who feels I can live with myself, alone. I call myself my best friend. It's not that I don't have friends. No. It's just that I am not scared to live by myself. It's more an ego thing. Moreso because I've noticed the expectations and compromises one has to go through in the name of love...

There was this beautiful article I read sometime back which talked about a father kissing his baby and the baby pushing away the father because his beard hurt him. In spite of this the father continued to snuggle the baby. On this pretext, the author had mentioned how most often we love for our own selfish reasons... I cannot say I completely agree with that author. No. Where there is love and care, there is fear, protection (sometimes over), anxiety, etc. But the author is not completely wrong... I mean how many of us say that even if s/he does exactly what s/he wants I'll continue to love her/him??? If that was the case would we be hearing of parents disowning their children because they disobeyed them? Or worse, children disowning their parents because they felt 'unloved' as kids?

Why go to people? Let me take my own case... I so-called believe in unconditional love... But I have never hesitated in drifting away from a friend who has hurt me... Furthermore, most of my friends have moved away from my life and bizarre as it may sound, I still don't know how or why! 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are the ones to be blamed. No. I'm sure I was equally responsible for whatever happened, but doesn't it change one's outlook on love? Isn't acceptance the most important part of love? I'm boring, probably yes... I don't like to hang out... For the heck of it... True... I lose my temper... Right... But won't I be accepted the way I am? Does being in relationships mean I must change the way I am...

Coming to the 'M' word, I am not even taking it!! It's been hyped so much. Each person has a different perception of it... Some say it changes you for the better, some say it changes you for the worse, I say it needn't change you!!!

Yes, there will be give and take... and in adults' favourite (my least favourite) words "Compromises" But character change? Life change? Behaviour change? Does it really happen? I've seen it happen... I change my question, should it really happen? 

Actually, I musn't be asking that question... I might not be married, but I have most certainly seen people change over time for someone else or something else... I can't change. Not unless I want to! And if I do, I won't blame someone else or something else... I'll take responsibility for it!

Coming back to where I started (I've said too many things, I know!!) Is it wrong to be a person who feels she can support herself emotionally even while being alone? Why are such people perceived as people with a 'wrong attitude'? I am not planning to live my life alone. No. I'm just saying that I can if I want to... And I will, rather than live false relationships!! 

"Role no. ****** Not selected" 

When I read this on screen, I was heartbroken. Yes, I had made tall claims "Karm ki chinta karo, phal ka nahiin..." But the truth was, the REJECTION had hurt me - big time. Now, I was not at home, so I couldn't cry on my mother's shoulders... I was alone, and had to deal with this alone. At first I locked myself in the guest room of my grandmother's house and cried. (Strangely there were no tears, only sound!) Then came the self pity mode - I was like "Why me?" And a stupid voice at the back of my mind said "That female with the roll no. preceding mine got selected. She was silent in the GD! What a dumb institution!" Whether the girl or the institution was dumb or not, the fact was; I was rejected!!! 

Then I dejectedly took my phone to type "I have got s-e-l-e-c-t-e-d" Yes! if you type rejected in t9en mode with your cell phone, it reads as selected!! Anyway at that time I was delving in too much self pity to notice it! But now I am looking at this whole 'rejection' from a new perspective.

Post this incident I realized that like everyone else, I too got affected when rejected, but a little less... (I am a megalomaniac!) I got rejected from more institutions on various pretexts, but after a point it fell on deaf ears!! But that grudge towards the institutions was there. My list of excuses kept increasing "That institute is not among the top ten anyway... Oh THAT institute? I was never keen on it... The canteen is not good there... That's in North India, too far from home... There is too much ragging there..." 

Why? Why does everything have to be a case of the fox's sour grapes? Why did I apply to those institutes in the first place if they were so bad? I had answers to these questions. Very loud and clear... "How DARE they reject me?"

Did they reject me? Or did I FEEL rejected? And why did I have to feel rejected? Did I really care that much that I was not going there for my further studies? Did I love that institution? NO!!! It was just one thing my ego was saying all along... "I shouldn't have got rejected"

Coming back to the fact that in T9en mode, rejected first reads as selected... Isn't that cue enough for one that selection and rejection are actually 2 sides of the same coin? I get rejected by some institution, it means I'm not fit to get into that institution now. It doesn't mean I'm completely unfit! 

I believe that there is a place for all of us somewhere. We just have to have the right attitude, patience and mindset to work hard to make that cosy place... And never ever stop believing in ourselves!!

Ok, enough of boring and didactic gyaan...  Do one thing... Follow 'megalomaniacism'! Simple!!!    

I don't have enough time to fill up this blog! I am busy. I am working. I don't have time to meet friends. I don't have time to be with my family. I don't even have time to think!!! Whoa... That really scares me! It's true I work. Six whole days a week! I love working... I like being busy. But too busy?? Like no time for people I care about? No time for writing and doing what I like to do??? 

The other day I was discussing relationships with a friend who told me that it was difficult to keep in touch with old friends or to get into a relationship with someone if one was working. This set me thinking... I have heard lots of stories of 'break up' of relationships because of 'lack of time'. I never believed them! Also, I used to wave a dismissal hand at people who told me "Start working, then you'll have no time for anybody or anything." But the past few weeks have been taxing... I'm  a person who loves to talk. Loves to think and absolutely loves to read and write. But from the past few weeks after work I just feel like switching off my mobile! I don't feel like talking to anybody. At all!!! And writing? My mind is active. Lots of thoughts and ideas in there... But I feel too lazy to take a pen and write! 

Just yesterday when I went online, a friend asked me why I've not been in touch for a while now... I actually said "I was too busy and lazy to come online!" Imagine that! Just a month ago, when my friend told me that I was angry. I had said "Can't one MAKE time for someone s/he cares about? Is it so difficult?" But now I was saying the same thing - shamelessly!!!

Coming back to making time... Now, today is a Sunday. I'm well rested, I'm online and don't have to make a serious effort to talk to people. So now, I'm thinking about making time. Making promises to myself and my friends. I've even told one I'll talk to her online tomorrow night assuring her I'm never too busy for friends... What about tomorrow? After a long hard day's work? Will I be equally enthusiastic? Or will I talk for the sake of talking? Because I promised? 

I am really good at time management. I have proved it during college. But I'm not interested in managing time alone now. No. I want to manage my relationships in that time. I mean, I want to be normal at home in spite of having had a long day in office. I want to chat with friends and LISTEN and respond normally. I want to stop thinking about work and rejuvenate as soon as I step home! I want to be able to go out for ice cream at night. I want to write my book till I sleep, not just stare at the screen blankly like I do now. And most importantly, I want to give all the time I can to my mother! (I'm not saying this because she reads my blog!) 

Today I realized I've been in denial mode all these days...  I had thought I wouldn't let those long working days affect me. I had promised myself I wouldn't think about work at home, about what happened, issues... In general I had promised myself I would always make time for myself and those whom I love! Yes, I'm doing these things, but where is the spontaneity? I still take calls from friends after work. Moreso because I don't want to hurt the person! Or even moreso because I don't want to accept that work life has changed my 'friends time'... And I literlally need to beg myself to stop thinking about work!! Na... Not about working the next day (!!) but about HOW MUCH work I had and how tired I am!!!

Making promises and keeping them (I'm stubborn) is easy. I will MAKE time in future... But what I really want is spontaneity. I must FEEL like it.. I must feel like writing my book for instance. I must feel like not thinking about HOW MUCH I worked... I must FEEL like calling my friends even after a busy day... I must feel like replying to friends' mails... I must feel like posting on this blog on weekdays as well!!!!