I don't have enough time to fill up this blog! I am busy. I am working. I don't have time to meet friends. I don't have time to be with my family. I don't even have time to think!!! Whoa... That really scares me! It's true I work. Six whole days a week! I love working... I like being busy. But too busy?? Like no time for people I care about? No time for writing and doing what I like to do??? 

The other day I was discussing relationships with a friend who told me that it was difficult to keep in touch with old friends or to get into a relationship with someone if one was working. This set me thinking... I have heard lots of stories of 'break up' of relationships because of 'lack of time'. I never believed them! Also, I used to wave a dismissal hand at people who told me "Start working, then you'll have no time for anybody or anything." But the past few weeks have been taxing... I'm  a person who loves to talk. Loves to think and absolutely loves to read and write. But from the past few weeks after work I just feel like switching off my mobile! I don't feel like talking to anybody. At all!!! And writing? My mind is active. Lots of thoughts and ideas in there... But I feel too lazy to take a pen and write! 

Just yesterday when I went online, a friend asked me why I've not been in touch for a while now... I actually said "I was too busy and lazy to come online!" Imagine that! Just a month ago, when my friend told me that I was angry. I had said "Can't one MAKE time for someone s/he cares about? Is it so difficult?" But now I was saying the same thing - shamelessly!!!

Coming back to making time... Now, today is a Sunday. I'm well rested, I'm online and don't have to make a serious effort to talk to people. So now, I'm thinking about making time. Making promises to myself and my friends. I've even told one I'll talk to her online tomorrow night assuring her I'm never too busy for friends... What about tomorrow? After a long hard day's work? Will I be equally enthusiastic? Or will I talk for the sake of talking? Because I promised? 

I am really good at time management. I have proved it during college. But I'm not interested in managing time alone now. No. I want to manage my relationships in that time. I mean, I want to be normal at home in spite of having had a long day in office. I want to chat with friends and LISTEN and respond normally. I want to stop thinking about work and rejuvenate as soon as I step home! I want to be able to go out for ice cream at night. I want to write my book till I sleep, not just stare at the screen blankly like I do now. And most importantly, I want to give all the time I can to my mother! (I'm not saying this because she reads my blog!) 

Today I realized I've been in denial mode all these days...  I had thought I wouldn't let those long working days affect me. I had promised myself I wouldn't think about work at home, about what happened, issues... In general I had promised myself I would always make time for myself and those whom I love! Yes, I'm doing these things, but where is the spontaneity? I still take calls from friends after work. Moreso because I don't want to hurt the person! Or even moreso because I don't want to accept that work life has changed my 'friends time'... And I literlally need to beg myself to stop thinking about work!! Na... Not about working the next day (!!) but about HOW MUCH work I had and how tired I am!!!

Making promises and keeping them (I'm stubborn) is easy. I will MAKE time in future... But what I really want is spontaneity. I must FEEL like it.. I must feel like writing my book for instance. I must feel like not thinking about HOW MUCH I worked... I must FEEL like calling my friends even after a busy day... I must feel like replying to friends' mails... I must feel like posting on this blog on weekdays as well!!!!