Never-sent messages to you all...

1. Thank you. To you it was your duty. To me it meant the world...

2. I was domineering and abominable, but still we've been friends. Now we hardly talk, but it's ok...

3. We talked. You told me a lot of things about other people. I shouldn't have listened. I forgot, you could be telling someone else about me...

4. One phone call, just one phone call, things would have been different. Question is who? You or me???

5. It was my problem to have misperceived you. No one else perceived you the way I did. Maybe it was more about how I wanted to see you. Not as you are...

6. One image, one wish, no face, no identity...

7. I would slap you if you came in front of me. That one reprimanding was not enough. Technically I don't slap, but you would be scared out of your wits anyway!!!

8. I have forgiven you completely...

9. If there was a definiton for friend, you'd be it, plain and simple.

10. Illusions break. Hallucinations clear out. Truth comes out.

11. Distance or not. In kilometers or millimeters... Does not matter.

12. Admiral, but purely of knowledge...

13. We've taken the first step. It's just the beginning.

14. I taught you? You taught me!!

15. Connection disconnected.

16. Opposite opinions, but mutual respect for each other.

17. Childhood memories!! Still we recall, together!

18. Connected always!!

19. I love you. Period!

20. Friend? No? Yes? Why? Oh!

21. I've been a total opportunist with you. But still I don't regret it!

22. Thanks, I have become shrewd and smart because of you

23. Connection?? Oh well BSNL!! Or reliance?? Ha ha!

24. CA? Bye!!

25. You are adorable. Seriously.

Great expectations... This was a book by Charles Dickens right? I've never read it (I never liked his tragic stories!) But I can relate a lot to the title. I'm sure all of us can!

Let me start with expectations from a book or a movie. Before that I'd like to go to what builds these expectations?? It is a previous record or a bias or a preconceived notion that leads one to expect, right? Now if I really liked a book by a particular author, it would be obvious that I would expect her/his next book to be much better. That's why the seventh book in the Harry Potter series was a big disappointment. I wanted the magic to live on, but the shallow ending made me want to cringe. Probably if we readers didn't expect so much the series would have probably ended in a different way... But that's a different story altogether!

It is ok to expect from a book or a movie. It's after all someone's work and money goes into it... But is it ok to expect from someone on a personal level? More importantly, can I say that I won't expect anything from you? I have tried to follow what I call no expectation theory...

First I started thinking like an extremist. (Obviously before that I thought that I had all the right to expect, I was domineering and imposing!!!) Anyway I said to myself one fine day "No more expectation from anyone!" Stupid decision! Moreso because one can't live in relationships that way!! I mean how is my own mother supposed to know how I felt? Was she supposed to read my mind? (!!) But, stubborn and adamant that I was I continued to follow this... This meant no communicating feelings, just keeping quiet even if I was burning within (!!) But nevertheless I'd show my irritation, which could be more frustrating to others!!

After I could take that no more, I thought... How the hell was this no expectation theory helping me? I was just giving more room for miscommunication. And in the process I was feeling miserable. So I took my theory to level 2... It is ok to expect from people I'm close to. But no expectations from others... That brought me to the question: what if new people became close to me? Was I suddenly supposed to start expecting? And vice versa??? And since I believed in giving space to people, how much space was the right amount? I hate being a chipkoo, I'll never tell anyone if I feel neglected. I don't want to be called attention craving!! Or a crib pot!! At the same time I want to be frank! ...

Now my no expectation theory has reduced to this: I don't believe in one good turn deserves another. I mean I don't do something expecting anything in return! Nor do I impose my ideas on others!! Or expect others to listen to my opinion! But I do expect a connection with people I'm close to. Actually I needn't expect it, it just comes. But my over expectation from myself of not expecting from others making it difficult for others to expect to understand me is not there!!!! Confused? Oh why bother? After all I don't expect you to understand this, but if you connect to me, you will...

Radical Thoughts - 1 (Please read with an OPEN and BROAD mind...)

Yes, I am in a 'pravachan'ic mood! And I can feel that urge to type everything that's there in my mind... (If I do that, I might get into trouble. So for more 'radical' explanations just mail me!) Religion, spirituality, morals, culture, good and bad, duty, dharma, faith, devotion... These are the words which are flashing in my mind right now. People's definitons, my definitions, my views, my arguments, oof too many things at a time... (going to be looooong -will post it in several parts)

Ok, where do I start? Let me start with the story of Dhruva, the boy who became the pole star. Even as a child I used to disagree with the fact that the child was great. I mean the kid performed penance to seek vengeance from his step mother and brother who pushed him away from his father's lap. I would ask, revenge is wrong... Even if he does perform penance, is it good to be avengeful? Will God like such a boy? Doesn't God expect us to forgive and forget? And in the end when the boy's 'devotion' is rewarded, I used to get confused all the more!!

I have always questioned 'penance'. Because in all mythological stories, there is 'fruit' for penance. And God becomes pleased with such 'devotees' who have come to Him for a reason. Whatever happened to unconditional love? Even here it was like, you give something you get something, which is human! (Yes, I know some devotees used to trouble God with penance, I can say that from illustrations in Amar Chitra Katha and the Sagars' mythological serials... The earth rumbles, there is thunder and Lo Behold!!) Anyway, my point is, why call it devotion when you have some expectation out of it? I used to dislike Kalidasa for the same reason. Here in this story, 'devotion' was demeaned further because, Kalidasa used cheap means of blackmail to become 'learned'! But my questions were unanswered...

My favourite stories of devotion have always been that of Ekalavya, Prahlada and Nachiketa. Nachiketa's story was beautiful... Nachiketa is 'sacrificed' to Lord Yama by his father in a fit of anger, but Nachiketa just goes since he is devoted to his father! Ekalavya... I'm yet to understand how someone could behave that way...Prahlada could see God everywhere, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he would still love God if God hadn't saved him...

That brings me to 'faith' and 'belief'. How can I explain faith? Is it trust? Going to a story again... That of Markandeya this time (I used to and still hate the fact that Lord Yama is the villain in most of these stories. He is the epitome of Dharma! More on that later!) Would Markandeya have faith in God, if he hadn't saved his life? No. I don't know about Markandeya, but the story wouldn't have become famous!! Coming back to day to day life... We say I have faith in God. He will not let us down. By saying the second sentence aren't we contradicting the fact that we say that we have faith?? Then what is faith?

The only answer that I can give to my own question (strictly MY opinion): having complete faith is believing in myself. Irrespective of whether or not I get let down. If I don't, great! But if I do? I have enough strength in me to keep going, to face anything and learn from it... Whoa all this sounds great on paper (technically monitor!) But to practice it is almost impossible! But I can still give it a try!! I hope...

Anyway, I'd like to end this article with a justification. These are my thoughts. Spirituality for me is what I'm within, what I believe, what I learn from... Religion for me is practices that other people believe and something I don't comment about, but totally respect. Both are very personal and each person has her/his own thoughts... Do feel free to comment and tell me what you feel!

I've been reading a lot of blogs. Some are really cute. Most blogs are just daily accounts or diaries. Some write about issues or experiences in their life. So I was just a little inspired from these blogs... So this post is going to consist of a few paragraphs, each with a diferent topic... very different from what I write usually... I accept that none of these topics are mine. I just have a different opinion to an already existing topic... (I haven't plagiarized...)

Ok, the first thing that interested me was this 'filmy' article about guys in movies who qualify as 'dream guys' My list is quite short!! (I don't even remember names of half the characters!!) Anyway, the number one guy would be Aman of Kal ho na ho (Ahhhh! A guy that sensitive and sensible, do such guys exist in real life???) two... Vanraj of Hum dil de chuke sanam!! (I needn't say why!! If you've watched the movie, you'll know..) three... Raincoat's Ajay Devgan (Don't remember his name!) But the 'Tom and Magi' effect is good. In english movies I like Will Smith in Seven Pounds (Surprising, but that movie changed my perception about a lot of things..) And the guy's character (Here I don't remember the actor's name either!!) in Before sunrise and before sunset.. Well, the raj's, the rahul's and prem's who are girls' favourites are NOT mine!!! No offense to anyone!!

Coming to the next topic, one habit that I can't seem to get rid of... My habit of justifying time and again! Even when not asked for! That can really turn tables on me at times! I was talking about something the other day and I said, "I hope you didn't get me wrong, that wasn't directed towards you..." And he said "I wouldn't have, if you hadn't put that idea into my head just now!!!" And I needn't explain how red in the face I went, but oh well, old habits die hard...

After that really heavy post, I've decided to finally come clean on my list of crushes... Yeah you heard me right, my crushes, something that nobody knows... (This is not from any blog, it's an original piece, just like me!)

Not necessarily in the same order...

1. Scorpio car. (just for the heck of it!)

Reason: It looked better than any guy! And no one else had a crush on a car before, so I thought of being the first! Ha ha! Now scorpio is out dated. Now on my wish list is solar energy driven car (:D)

2. The magic schoolbus and the wishing chair

Reason: This was technically not a crush! I was too young, but I still have these two in my wish list...

3. Inu yasha (Sigh)

Reason: I just love him. No reason, or any offense to Kagome or Keikyo...

4. College Campus

Err, I am in love with the trees, the tadpole pond, the natural grass (we don't mow the lawn in SVCE, cows and goats graze on them...)

5. Black Mamba!!

Na, I'm not a zoophile, but a powerful creature like that can make anyone go WOW!

6. Toya (Sakura's bro)

Reason: He looks WOW! Pity guys in real life don't look that way...

7. Human crushes

The list is yet to begin!!!

Disclaimer:

1. Male bashing is my hobby!! :)

2. The above list is REAL

3. I can take female chauvinistic jokes too!!

Disclaimer: Megz is telling nothing but the truth... This post is meant to be funny... (Now I know you will not laugh all the more!!)

Anyway, top ten bizarre incidents in the life of Megz...

3. Ms A gets mad @ Megz for throwing a surprise b'day party for her! (Reason: birthdays are 'wild' in India Note: waise it's not 'wild' to Party in US...)

67. ... One fine sunny morning, Ms + decides to follow path of detachment... Only she doesn't know the meaning or the rhyme or reason...

456. Mr. UY calls on sunday (Local calls are not free here..) , calls again for no rhyme or reason, laughs all the (yes, again for no poem (!!!) or season!), ETC (!!!) and then tells the world "she likes me" (Megz should have just bashed his head, but ahimsa is what she believes in...)

0978. Ms. &* talks (read as internet chat) all night about things that 'bother' her. And then says " How inquisitive!!" (No Comments, how can I when I was so sleepy???)

67845. Megz can make people laugh (or the lack thereof! That itself is funny) Girls come tell Megz "You crave for attention" (Duh!!! Who asked for attention or stand-at-ease with that kind of talent??)

129020. Ok, this is really funny. >>> is in some corner of Africa. Megz doesn't know him. He asks for treat. Gets ticked off by her (I don't treat aquaintances, forget strangers!) (Please read >>> as a scared stalker calling himself a mysterious admirer!!) Anyway, 'friends' tick off Megz!!!

Megz is told "I want to throw charcoal on your face, then you'll know how it is to be dark..." And is later called racist!!

And Megz thinks she's weird...

When something affects someone really badly, that person doesn't even realize what's happening. Then the person changes... Completely. All the things that person was standing for changes. All the positive energy and optimism disappears. And this has been happening around me a lot recently...

Even I am affected. (I don't like that word - affected!) Recession, fear of the 'm' word, fear of making friends with anyone... All this has an effect on me. Sometimes positive sometimes negative... But will I change as a person for this? Will I stop believing in relationships altogether? I hope not...

Back to people around me... When I see people not enjoying their jobs, I wonder, "didn't the same person jump when s/he was placed during campus interview? When I see someone complaining about her/his relationship I wonder, "This person so badly wanted to get into this, now why the change in mind?" Why do people change their minds?

Why talk about 'people' let me take myself. I have so many fears. So many what if's in my mind... Especially where relationships are concerned... What if history repeats itself? What if I do something stupid and everything falls apart? What if I never get to understand why I can't be plain friends or in a normal relationship with anyone???

I have come to realize the only answer to all this, a surge of expectations... We as humans expect. I expect security, surity that nothing will change, permanence or longevity in a relationship or professional success... In other words, all positive aspects in our life, we expect it to stay forever. And sadly, when that doesn't happen, our mind starts resisting itself from feeling the impact again!

I know the solution to this as well. Believe in myself. And have faith. It's easy to say it, is it easy to follow it? I believe in myself where my professional life is concerned. I know my strengths, weaknesses... But where relationships are concerned??? Ha! (We'll leave it at that!)

An open mind will help... A lot... Let things be... Take things as it comes... But that fear of failing again in a relationship... Will it go? That, only time will tell...