I have no time for myself. That question was out of syllabus. It's just my fate! God willed this to happen to me... Why do we say all this?

Yes I got that award. Yes I worked hard. Yes they were the fruits of my prayer? --> Why do we say this?

If you notice the first paragraph has no I, if it does, it's always not directed towards the I. But the second one?? It has I written all over it! Why?? Why do we want credit and praise all the time? Why that false sense of pride? And why don't we accept if something we don't like happens? Why don't we take responsibility for any and everything in our lives?

Faith - what is it?

Faith is that infinite belief in my own self that I can face anything external positive or negative (both are relative and everything turns positive with time..) without disturbing my internal peace and happiness!

What a definition!! Ideal and saint like!! Definitely I am not following the above 100 percent!! (ha ha!) but making an attempt is taking one step forward... Isn't it??

Again I am in a very preachy mood so thought I'll talk about the thing that I think about the most. What is being caring? What is being interfering? What is being dominating? What is being imposing? And where should one draw the line?

Are the four questions answerable individually? I don't think so. I mean to be caring, sometimes one needs to be interfering, imposing and if absolutely necessary dominating! So does this mean it is right to be caring? Can one ONLY be caring without being the rest?

To make things less complicated I am not going to take up an example with a family member. So let me take a simple example of a friend. If a friend who is really close to me is facing a problem and I can see that the person needs me? What can I do? How can I be caring without interfering? All I can think of is listening to her / him uninterrupted.

What if the problem s/he is facing is pretty serious? Like say s/he has got into a bad habit / trouble. Now how do I be caring without imposing? And worse if an adult has to be involved, will I tell on her/him? Wouldn't that be interfering? Would I risk my friendship for her/his wellbeing? Am I doing the right thing? After all I am being a tattle tale right?? I have no answer to these questions! As of now, I'd leave that person alone. Friend or not, everyone is an individual with right to choice, right? Even if the choice may not seem all that right to me... But am I doing the right thing???

So many questions! My head is reeling more now. What are the factors on which one can draw the line between caring and imposing? Is it ok if some people dominate over you? A friend once told me liberty is only taken when it is extended to us. Then again I ask, how much liberty? Does it depend on how close two people are? And is the closeness threatened when the imposing / interference is too much? Aaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhh!!!

Coming to my point of view, regarding my behaviour with others... (this is so much easier than generalizng it!) I believe in letting the person be, with least amount of interference as possible! But that does not mean I don't care! But if it is a person who matters more than my principles, I don't know what would happen! I might dominate and impose! But is that right? Maybe to a certain extent! But keeping that person's feelings in mind should be my priority, right? But will it be???

Have you ever experienced this? A person has hurt you really badly... That person was really close (that's why it hurts more) What are the first questions that cross your mind? "Why did s/he do that to me? Why did this happen? Why did I have to face this???" - right? What is common here? - Obviously the "why'

Whether we think we are being saintly and 'taking responsibility' asking "what did I do wrong?" or whether we be plain satanic "How dare s/he do this to me" the plain fact of matter is, our mind is asking one question - "why did this happen?"

Then we go through the emotional roller coaster (it seems different for each person, but the ingredients are essentially the same, just varies in quantity!!) - Hurt, anger, sadness, nostalgia, more anger, self pity, even more anger, fear, more fear, defiance, resistance, more resistance, most self pity... leading to either of this - going into a shell, refusing to trust anyone else, cold war with others, false sense of pride, etc etc etc! Whatever the consequence the reason is the same!

With time this emotional roller coaster makes us either more wise (hehehe so we think!) or other wise!! Forgetting the case of the other wise (Politely known as psychotic) we become wise. But when do we become wise? Obviously when we are over the whole episode and have moved on! When are we over and when do we know we have moved on??

As a doctor I would have said, all the symptoms (hurt, anger, sadness, nostalgia, more anger, etc) die down... But logically, it's just one thing - the "why" is answered. It is answered with the passage of time! If it isn't, then we have not let gone! At all!

Most often, at least for me, shocking thing is that the question is more important than the person, because once the question is answered I feel nothing for that person... What if the person is more important?? I mean, even after being hurt by that person, if I feel the same connection with that person? Maybe it's possible, if that person made attempts to reconcile as well, in that case the questions are answered even before the roller coaster ride!!! But what if the person mattered more than the question? Is that even possible???

Archie Betty Veronica - My Take

Archie walks down the corridor for the second time, arm in arm with his bride - Betty... And readers across the world smile going awwwww! Strange that I am writing about this, I never liked Archie comics (except Dilton... sigh) all that much, but as usual I got on to analyse the three characters, the stereotypes and more...

Archie - "Archie Archie Andrews where are you?" This all famous call by Veronica was enough to make me think of Archie as a typical door mat. His Jug Head friend (pun intended) seems more intelligent than him at such times (Key word: such!!) Anyway, this pig headed guy has been portrayed like regular guys in my opinion... I mean, how many guys do we know actually like a girl who is head over heels in love with him? Archie like other guys needed a challenge... The challenge came in the form of Veronica. And then we all know what happened!!

Betty - If Archie is a door mat, Betty is a shoe sole!! Ok, now don't give me this gibberish about 'unconditional love'... Everybody feels that Betty is devout, sweet, and head over heels in love with Archie.. Well, if I denied that, the readers and writers would pelt stones at me!! But still I dare to do so. Here again, Betty just wants to be one up - over Madam Veronica!! That's it! She felt like she had failed when Archie married Ron, but when he came back to her, it was like she won back her lost prize! It was simply a game, with Archie as the prize!!

Veronica - One honestly written character, apart from Reggie. She was not bad, but she was spoilt rotten and unfortunately the villain! Now moreso because of her breakup with Archie! She is also like Betty, treating Archie as her prize, but at least she is honest about it. And just like any spoilt girl, she has won something, that's it. She doesn't care about it anymore. She won first. Period! Afterwards that prize is discarded!! Archie Andrews was the prize at a price!!

Why am I analyzing so much? When I told you I didn't care much for the series?? Well, I just wanted to voice how I feel about these teenage relationship stories (marriage after school????)... No maturity, no reality, no depth, nothing! All simply lapped up by youngsters...

I am definitely not against Archie comics, nor am I against anyone marrying anyone (Read as IDC) but I sometimes wish there was honesty in these stories that are so famous... If Archie and Betty separate, there's still be reality left... But unlike fairy tales, there will be no happily ever after!!

FASHION TIPS!!!!!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

Hahahahahahahha. The very title wants me to laugh because the last person you should come to for fashion tips is me! TIPS technically means to insure prompt service but after my tips it will become to initiate prompt slaps... Not me, yourself!!

Anyway back to fashion.. I've been going shopping from the past two weeks (ok last sunday and today, still technically I feel as tired as if I have been shopping everyday!!) Anyway my shopping sprees were a big flop show. I really went with the idea to shop till I drop. Here are a few reasons why I didn't...

1. I am sick and tired of seeing the tie-me-up here and there tops. We wear stitched tops. Why the hell do I need a patch of cloth hanging around as if the top would drop...

2. Throw the anarkali tops. If you must keep them, stitch them properly!! The same line near the chest with one umbrella bottom! It doesn't rain in Chennai!

3. WHY the hell is glitter needed for all tops??? Even formal shirts?? And WHY does the thread poke so much? 2 points down for this one no comfort, blindness causing!!

4. Next coming to tunics... There are sub categories for this since tunics are my favourite

a. Place pockets in appropriate places, not weird places!! (DUH)

b. The buttons needn't be blindening (That word can now be added in the Webster dictionary)

c. NEED NOT HAVE A BELT OR A LAADI!!!

5. Shirts - Why are they so badly stitched? Puff sleeves for shirts? Do I look like Little Miss Muffet to you??

6. Kurtas - WHY glitter?? Whatever happened to embroidery?? Or just make the damn things plain! And one more problem with Kurtas - sleeve size.. TOO long / TOO short!!

7. Harem pants - Let me just ignore they exist.

8. Leggings - Leggings are good if they are made of the right fabric with the right sizes.. Otherwise I'll have to use them as christmas stockings!! HO HO HO!

9. Jeans with embroidery: Please!!! Why embroider jeans? Denim is the best fabric ever. Why spoil its classic look? And what's with bell bottoms?? I'm not going to sing naino mein sapna...

10. Hipsters: This one's censored - All I can say is how much lower??

11. Lace on shirts - Three problems

a. I'm not an english butler

b. I'm not going to be on the cover of any magazine like you know what!!

c. Shoe lace is better!!!

12. Skirts - Too long or too short! too girly or too straight! I need to walk...you know with out the danger of tears... And the girly ones?? They flare... Lesser said the better

13. Stoles - They've really got to be stolen from all shops. That's all I want to say!!

14. Waist coats: Personally I love these... But why are they made of wool in Chennai?? And why the devil don't they come till the waist???

15. Belts - I don't believe in violence, but even with all the jhang (buckles, GLITTER, etc) .. I can see enough to belt anyone...

Ok, by now you know I'm never going to open a boutique, because I guess this is what sells, otherwise why would ALL shops have the SAME stuff??

If you agree with ANY of the above, tell me where you shop... I'll be thankful to you!!

About connections and more...

The Connection to my office A/C conked off!! Naa this post is not about that connection... Ok bad start. I can't even delete that!! Anyway have you noticed how we just hit it off with some people? I mean I have never understood movies when people come and say "Will you be friends?" and shake hands. Is friendship a planned thing? You just take a liking to ppl right? At least I do...

I have recently started talking to one of my childhood best friends. She and I were neighbours. I was three and a half back then and I still remember! I spoke to her in Tamil and she spoke in Kannada, but in spite of language problems we became inseparable siamese twins. Even today we can just talk about anything. That day when we were chatting after a really long time I was surprised how both of us could still ramble on!!

I laugh when I think about this one... A classmate had told me she was a snob and a bore. And I actually went and confronted that girl asking her why the other girl said that!! Ok, they fought (What? I have always been straight forward!!) but a new friendship was born!! We are like chalk and cheese and have nothing in common. But who said you need to to be friends??

Sometimes you take a liking to someone naturally but have no idea how to say "mujhse dosti karoge?" She was new in school, so I asked her "How do you like this school?" Only to be snapped at "It's my first day here!!" What more could I say?? But we both still laugh abt that (Don't kill me for making you sound like the BAD one here. We both know you aren't!!)

Connections needn't be there from the time you know a person, they can be formed later...It's really weird how sometimes being classmates for so long we never were good friends!! Now we talk for hours together...

Others are there from even before you remember!! I have heard how close we both were. Wish I did remember.. But that doesn't matter since we still are!! They are busy with their lives and studies, but when we do meet, we could almost cause an electrocution!!

Some connections are unexplainable. (I never was good in Electrical subjects but that's not the point here) But still one cannot deny that they are there...

Now let's digress to internet connections (!!) I am not marketing any social site here (!!) Connections do rise from there as well! Stronger than imaginable!! (I am being entirely positive here...) Connecting, disconnecting and more all in my hands. I can just switch off the modem hehehe.. Windows closing is an option... Going invisible is a more polite option... Not if I want to stay connected for a long long time though...

I don't know much about electrical connections... But I have an option to get to know...

How???

My office A/C is getting repaired tomorrow!!

Megz - up, close and personal

This post is proper with title and everything! But it is going to be really short. I am not used to writing about myself. The few ppl who read my blog have asked me why have you never written about yourself? Why do you call yourself megalomaniac? Why do you say arrogance is not good? Why contradict yourself?

Well, because of repeated questions and request for clarifications I have finally decided to come clean. By megalomaniac I mean my world revolves around me. I am self-centred. I am interested in improving myself. I am interested in my dreams, my aspirations, my opinions... But most of all I'm interested in learning. And learning will not come if a 'you' or 'he' or 'she' is not there in my life. But face it, we have people in our lives because we feel good. (Can I generalize) Most often we like those who like us. Right??

Now that I've deviated, let me say something that I very strongly feel. Why do people say "I did that for you!" I ask myself, is that really true? Can I really help someone or do something for someone without expecting anything in return (This is not an extension of my expectations post) Can I? Do I believe in service? In charity? In giving? Unconditionally??? NO! Purely because at the end of the day I do something for my satisfaction. I want to feel good. Let me take a simple example. They say one gets 'punya' giving water to a thirsty person. I obviously want that punya so I serve a thirsty person. Right? Or if I didn't care for things like 'punya' I would do it so that my conscience does not ask me "why didn't you give water to him when you could?" A clear (relatively) conscience is everyone's need right? Now, tell me.. Where did the he/she/you come? I can only see a big 'I' everywhere. In capital letters!!!

Whether it is my thoughts or my feelings or my opinions or my idiosyncracies.. whether it is my relationships or my workmanship or my social life... whether it is issues that make me think or events that have moved me or experiences in my life... what I read or see or hear or feel... Or most of all what I learn... EVERYTHING is about me. Now it is up to you to decide if I'm arrogant ot egoistic or an egotist!! But then again that's your opinion. I respect it. But I can do nothing about it...

"Ashwattama is dead" Isn't this what Yudhishtira told Drona during the war? It was a white lie. But it was this lie which proved to be a blackmark on his honesty... I ask everyone and myself... What is honesty? What is truth? What are lies???

I lie. All the time. They are all white lies. But I still do. Why do I lie? Simple. I don't want to tell the truth. Why don't I want to tell the truth? Simple again, I simply don't. Why? Why? Am I scared? Naaa. I am not scared. There are some things which I believe I needn't tell anyone, so I lie.

What is honesty then? If I lie so much, how did I become honest? I usually lie when I keep someone else's secret. What is a secret? Anything that has been told to me trusting me to keep it to myself is a secret. And to keep someone's trust I'll do anything...

If I don't want to tell people some things and hence I lie about it, what's wrong? Why should some one know everything about me? I'm not deliberately trying to hide anything. Even if I do why do I become the liar???

Lying to hurt, lying to someone you care, lying like a coward are all wrong (What is wrong?)... But lying for a good cause?? (What is good? Oof I ask too many questions!) But, right now, what is good for me is good and vice versa! As for the questions I have raised... I'm yet to find answers...

Never-sent messages to you all...

1. Thank you. To you it was your duty. To me it meant the world...

2. I was domineering and abominable, but still we've been friends. Now we hardly talk, but it's ok...

3. We talked. You told me a lot of things about other people. I shouldn't have listened. I forgot, you could be telling someone else about me...

4. One phone call, just one phone call, things would have been different. Question is who? You or me???

5. It was my problem to have misperceived you. No one else perceived you the way I did. Maybe it was more about how I wanted to see you. Not as you are...

6. One image, one wish, no face, no identity...

7. I would slap you if you came in front of me. That one reprimanding was not enough. Technically I don't slap, but you would be scared out of your wits anyway!!!

8. I have forgiven you completely...

9. If there was a definiton for friend, you'd be it, plain and simple.

10. Illusions break. Hallucinations clear out. Truth comes out.

11. Distance or not. In kilometers or millimeters... Does not matter.

12. Admiral, but purely of knowledge...

13. We've taken the first step. It's just the beginning.

14. I taught you? You taught me!!

15. Connection disconnected.

16. Opposite opinions, but mutual respect for each other.

17. Childhood memories!! Still we recall, together!

18. Connected always!!

19. I love you. Period!

20. Friend? No? Yes? Why? Oh!

21. I've been a total opportunist with you. But still I don't regret it!

22. Thanks, I have become shrewd and smart because of you

23. Connection?? Oh well BSNL!! Or reliance?? Ha ha!

24. CA? Bye!!

25. You are adorable. Seriously.

Great expectations... This was a book by Charles Dickens right? I've never read it (I never liked his tragic stories!) But I can relate a lot to the title. I'm sure all of us can!

Let me start with expectations from a book or a movie. Before that I'd like to go to what builds these expectations?? It is a previous record or a bias or a preconceived notion that leads one to expect, right? Now if I really liked a book by a particular author, it would be obvious that I would expect her/his next book to be much better. That's why the seventh book in the Harry Potter series was a big disappointment. I wanted the magic to live on, but the shallow ending made me want to cringe. Probably if we readers didn't expect so much the series would have probably ended in a different way... But that's a different story altogether!

It is ok to expect from a book or a movie. It's after all someone's work and money goes into it... But is it ok to expect from someone on a personal level? More importantly, can I say that I won't expect anything from you? I have tried to follow what I call no expectation theory...

First I started thinking like an extremist. (Obviously before that I thought that I had all the right to expect, I was domineering and imposing!!!) Anyway I said to myself one fine day "No more expectation from anyone!" Stupid decision! Moreso because one can't live in relationships that way!! I mean how is my own mother supposed to know how I felt? Was she supposed to read my mind? (!!) But, stubborn and adamant that I was I continued to follow this... This meant no communicating feelings, just keeping quiet even if I was burning within (!!) But nevertheless I'd show my irritation, which could be more frustrating to others!!

After I could take that no more, I thought... How the hell was this no expectation theory helping me? I was just giving more room for miscommunication. And in the process I was feeling miserable. So I took my theory to level 2... It is ok to expect from people I'm close to. But no expectations from others... That brought me to the question: what if new people became close to me? Was I suddenly supposed to start expecting? And vice versa??? And since I believed in giving space to people, how much space was the right amount? I hate being a chipkoo, I'll never tell anyone if I feel neglected. I don't want to be called attention craving!! Or a crib pot!! At the same time I want to be frank! ...

Now my no expectation theory has reduced to this: I don't believe in one good turn deserves another. I mean I don't do something expecting anything in return! Nor do I impose my ideas on others!! Or expect others to listen to my opinion! But I do expect a connection with people I'm close to. Actually I needn't expect it, it just comes. But my over expectation from myself of not expecting from others making it difficult for others to expect to understand me is not there!!!! Confused? Oh why bother? After all I don't expect you to understand this, but if you connect to me, you will...

Radical Thoughts - 1 (Please read with an OPEN and BROAD mind...)

Yes, I am in a 'pravachan'ic mood! And I can feel that urge to type everything that's there in my mind... (If I do that, I might get into trouble. So for more 'radical' explanations just mail me!) Religion, spirituality, morals, culture, good and bad, duty, dharma, faith, devotion... These are the words which are flashing in my mind right now. People's definitons, my definitions, my views, my arguments, oof too many things at a time... (going to be looooong -will post it in several parts)

Ok, where do I start? Let me start with the story of Dhruva, the boy who became the pole star. Even as a child I used to disagree with the fact that the child was great. I mean the kid performed penance to seek vengeance from his step mother and brother who pushed him away from his father's lap. I would ask, revenge is wrong... Even if he does perform penance, is it good to be avengeful? Will God like such a boy? Doesn't God expect us to forgive and forget? And in the end when the boy's 'devotion' is rewarded, I used to get confused all the more!!

I have always questioned 'penance'. Because in all mythological stories, there is 'fruit' for penance. And God becomes pleased with such 'devotees' who have come to Him for a reason. Whatever happened to unconditional love? Even here it was like, you give something you get something, which is human! (Yes, I know some devotees used to trouble God with penance, I can say that from illustrations in Amar Chitra Katha and the Sagars' mythological serials... The earth rumbles, there is thunder and Lo Behold!!) Anyway, my point is, why call it devotion when you have some expectation out of it? I used to dislike Kalidasa for the same reason. Here in this story, 'devotion' was demeaned further because, Kalidasa used cheap means of blackmail to become 'learned'! But my questions were unanswered...

My favourite stories of devotion have always been that of Ekalavya, Prahlada and Nachiketa. Nachiketa's story was beautiful... Nachiketa is 'sacrificed' to Lord Yama by his father in a fit of anger, but Nachiketa just goes since he is devoted to his father! Ekalavya... I'm yet to understand how someone could behave that way...Prahlada could see God everywhere, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he would still love God if God hadn't saved him...

That brings me to 'faith' and 'belief'. How can I explain faith? Is it trust? Going to a story again... That of Markandeya this time (I used to and still hate the fact that Lord Yama is the villain in most of these stories. He is the epitome of Dharma! More on that later!) Would Markandeya have faith in God, if he hadn't saved his life? No. I don't know about Markandeya, but the story wouldn't have become famous!! Coming back to day to day life... We say I have faith in God. He will not let us down. By saying the second sentence aren't we contradicting the fact that we say that we have faith?? Then what is faith?

The only answer that I can give to my own question (strictly MY opinion): having complete faith is believing in myself. Irrespective of whether or not I get let down. If I don't, great! But if I do? I have enough strength in me to keep going, to face anything and learn from it... Whoa all this sounds great on paper (technically monitor!) But to practice it is almost impossible! But I can still give it a try!! I hope...

Anyway, I'd like to end this article with a justification. These are my thoughts. Spirituality for me is what I'm within, what I believe, what I learn from... Religion for me is practices that other people believe and something I don't comment about, but totally respect. Both are very personal and each person has her/his own thoughts... Do feel free to comment and tell me what you feel!

I've been reading a lot of blogs. Some are really cute. Most blogs are just daily accounts or diaries. Some write about issues or experiences in their life. So I was just a little inspired from these blogs... So this post is going to consist of a few paragraphs, each with a diferent topic... very different from what I write usually... I accept that none of these topics are mine. I just have a different opinion to an already existing topic... (I haven't plagiarized...)

Ok, the first thing that interested me was this 'filmy' article about guys in movies who qualify as 'dream guys' My list is quite short!! (I don't even remember names of half the characters!!) Anyway, the number one guy would be Aman of Kal ho na ho (Ahhhh! A guy that sensitive and sensible, do such guys exist in real life???) two... Vanraj of Hum dil de chuke sanam!! (I needn't say why!! If you've watched the movie, you'll know..) three... Raincoat's Ajay Devgan (Don't remember his name!) But the 'Tom and Magi' effect is good. In english movies I like Will Smith in Seven Pounds (Surprising, but that movie changed my perception about a lot of things..) And the guy's character (Here I don't remember the actor's name either!!) in Before sunrise and before sunset.. Well, the raj's, the rahul's and prem's who are girls' favourites are NOT mine!!! No offense to anyone!!

Coming to the next topic, one habit that I can't seem to get rid of... My habit of justifying time and again! Even when not asked for! That can really turn tables on me at times! I was talking about something the other day and I said, "I hope you didn't get me wrong, that wasn't directed towards you..." And he said "I wouldn't have, if you hadn't put that idea into my head just now!!!" And I needn't explain how red in the face I went, but oh well, old habits die hard...

After that really heavy post, I've decided to finally come clean on my list of crushes... Yeah you heard me right, my crushes, something that nobody knows... (This is not from any blog, it's an original piece, just like me!)

Not necessarily in the same order...

1. Scorpio car. (just for the heck of it!)

Reason: It looked better than any guy! And no one else had a crush on a car before, so I thought of being the first! Ha ha! Now scorpio is out dated. Now on my wish list is solar energy driven car (:D)

2. The magic schoolbus and the wishing chair

Reason: This was technically not a crush! I was too young, but I still have these two in my wish list...

3. Inu yasha (Sigh)

Reason: I just love him. No reason, or any offense to Kagome or Keikyo...

4. College Campus

Err, I am in love with the trees, the tadpole pond, the natural grass (we don't mow the lawn in SVCE, cows and goats graze on them...)

5. Black Mamba!!

Na, I'm not a zoophile, but a powerful creature like that can make anyone go WOW!

6. Toya (Sakura's bro)

Reason: He looks WOW! Pity guys in real life don't look that way...

7. Human crushes

The list is yet to begin!!!

Disclaimer:

1. Male bashing is my hobby!! :)

2. The above list is REAL

3. I can take female chauvinistic jokes too!!

Disclaimer: Megz is telling nothing but the truth... This post is meant to be funny... (Now I know you will not laugh all the more!!)

Anyway, top ten bizarre incidents in the life of Megz...

3. Ms A gets mad @ Megz for throwing a surprise b'day party for her! (Reason: birthdays are 'wild' in India Note: waise it's not 'wild' to Party in US...)

67. ... One fine sunny morning, Ms + decides to follow path of detachment... Only she doesn't know the meaning or the rhyme or reason...

456. Mr. UY calls on sunday (Local calls are not free here..) , calls again for no rhyme or reason, laughs all the (yes, again for no poem (!!!) or season!), ETC (!!!) and then tells the world "she likes me" (Megz should have just bashed his head, but ahimsa is what she believes in...)

0978. Ms. &* talks (read as internet chat) all night about things that 'bother' her. And then says " How inquisitive!!" (No Comments, how can I when I was so sleepy???)

67845. Megz can make people laugh (or the lack thereof! That itself is funny) Girls come tell Megz "You crave for attention" (Duh!!! Who asked for attention or stand-at-ease with that kind of talent??)

129020. Ok, this is really funny. >>> is in some corner of Africa. Megz doesn't know him. He asks for treat. Gets ticked off by her (I don't treat aquaintances, forget strangers!) (Please read >>> as a scared stalker calling himself a mysterious admirer!!) Anyway, 'friends' tick off Megz!!!

Megz is told "I want to throw charcoal on your face, then you'll know how it is to be dark..." And is later called racist!!

And Megz thinks she's weird...

When something affects someone really badly, that person doesn't even realize what's happening. Then the person changes... Completely. All the things that person was standing for changes. All the positive energy and optimism disappears. And this has been happening around me a lot recently...

Even I am affected. (I don't like that word - affected!) Recession, fear of the 'm' word, fear of making friends with anyone... All this has an effect on me. Sometimes positive sometimes negative... But will I change as a person for this? Will I stop believing in relationships altogether? I hope not...

Back to people around me... When I see people not enjoying their jobs, I wonder, "didn't the same person jump when s/he was placed during campus interview? When I see someone complaining about her/his relationship I wonder, "This person so badly wanted to get into this, now why the change in mind?" Why do people change their minds?

Why talk about 'people' let me take myself. I have so many fears. So many what if's in my mind... Especially where relationships are concerned... What if history repeats itself? What if I do something stupid and everything falls apart? What if I never get to understand why I can't be plain friends or in a normal relationship with anyone???

I have come to realize the only answer to all this, a surge of expectations... We as humans expect. I expect security, surity that nothing will change, permanence or longevity in a relationship or professional success... In other words, all positive aspects in our life, we expect it to stay forever. And sadly, when that doesn't happen, our mind starts resisting itself from feeling the impact again!

I know the solution to this as well. Believe in myself. And have faith. It's easy to say it, is it easy to follow it? I believe in myself where my professional life is concerned. I know my strengths, weaknesses... But where relationships are concerned??? Ha! (We'll leave it at that!)

An open mind will help... A lot... Let things be... Take things as it comes... But that fear of failing again in a relationship... Will it go? That, only time will tell...

I am Miss communication and I hate miscommunication! (Ha! My jokes are improving by the day!) Misunderstanding, misconception, mistaking... (This guy who created all these words is a big male chauvinist. *Mental note to self to bring this up again later!!*) Everything happens because of miscommunication.

Before I switch completely to the 'male bashing' mode, let me come back to the topic. Does talking/speaking solve all problems? Okay, I know that came out of the blue, but at least that made you say "Huh? Where is this article going?" But the blank article that I had posted (That's a mystery) that was the communication gap! Anyway, now I've started believing that, that empty space said a lot...

Diverting a bit... What causes communication gap? More importantly, why is there a communication gap almost everywhere? Does distance matter? Does age matter? What matters??? What aspects widen the communication gap... So many questions...

From experience I know what widens the gap - not saying what you feel. At least this is what I think... Thinking "If I say this, will the other person get me wrong?" This matters when we talk to strangers or to our boss ('Getting wrong' will mean 'job gone!!') Not to someone we know... Right?

Let me give an example, a fictitious one... say I have a friend who is being teased for say, body odour (she is not aware of it) behind her back and I go tell her nicely to be aware of it in future. Here, I'm just being vocal about my feelings. There is not exactly a communication gap. This friend may/may not take it in the right way... Still, communication could serve the purpose... (Key word 'could')

Going to a more serious issue. Where non-communication could matter - a lot... It is dark and I haven't yet arrived home. I'm in a meeting at the office. My mother is getting worried. And then I excuse myself and SMS "I'll be late". One note does the trick. There is a smile on her face "She's ok" and on mine "She knows I'm ok..." Here again, the gap is the distance, not communication as such...

Coming to the most dangerous reason... Ego. A really bizarre incident would explain that... I was planning to surprise a friend for her b'day (three weeks later, since we had exams on her bday) So I lied to her saying we were going for a movie and everyone was meeting at my place (No points for guessing the party was at my place!) But when she arrived she left in a huff because there was no movie! Now, it didn't end there. For three weeks she didn't speak (I didn't either... THAT'S communication gap!) And then she finally did break the silence after three weeks, but spoke as if nothing had happened... and then there was a permanent rift in our friendship... I still feel, probably one call from her or my side could have sorted out lots of things...

Anyway, does only talking bridge the communication gap? Na... Sometimes silence does too. Moreso, silent treatment does. One syllable answers, expressions which show something is wrong, not replying to phone calls... In other words letting the other person know something is wrong. But after this stage when both people in question are ready to talk, it's different!!

THE most dangerous thing is creating confusion... Acting as if you're normal with that person, but actually having loads of problems. And when asked, the person says you're imagining it or that you're crazy you have an inkling something is wrong! How to deal with this?? I'm still trying myself...

On a concluding note, I'd like to go back to that blank space/ empty post. Seeing that on my blog the next day gave me a shock! There was a gap... Which gave me the idea for this post!!! (that's the mystery... Who told you everything should have a meaning???)

Reading my own post yesterday made me realize that there is a thin line between being confident and being arrogant. A person who knows me will say that I was being the former, but from a stranger's point of view... I seem arrogant....

Let me go back to what I said... I had said I don't mind staying alone. Or I would rather stay alone than live false relationships... And I had made a random comment about unconditional love... I've realized my thoughts lacked clarity yesterday... Let me make an attempt to say what I really meant...

Coming to the term false relationships... Here I'm refering to relationships which don't grow. Where there is pressure on the relationship, where there are names, where the relationship exists because of certain 'ties' or because of the fact that 'blood is thicker than water' not because of WANTING to be in the relationship...

By staying alone I mean, (I repeat) I CAN stay alone, not that I WANT to! And one more thing that has driven me to say this is that the 'society' says you 'need people'. I just want to rebel (ha ha!) Not for the sake of rebelling, but to prove I'm not an 'abla naari'...

So, what is my idea of a relationship? Do I expect a yes for everything I say?... No! ... Do I expect royal treatment?... Ha ha! Not really!! Then what is a good relationship according to me? Simple, one in which both of us grow... together... One in which the connection will always be there...

Jumping to 'unconditional love' (!!!)... I am yet to understand it fully myself, but this is what I've understood... I cannot stop liking someone even though I have drifted away from that person... I still treasure great memories and know that the core person in her/him has not changed... But if the connection has snapped, I can't be in a relationship with that person. 

Makes sense?... No??? To me it sure does!!!

I am someone who feels I can live with myself, alone. I call myself my best friend. It's not that I don't have friends. No. It's just that I am not scared to live by myself. It's more an ego thing. Moreso because I've noticed the expectations and compromises one has to go through in the name of love...

There was this beautiful article I read sometime back which talked about a father kissing his baby and the baby pushing away the father because his beard hurt him. In spite of this the father continued to snuggle the baby. On this pretext, the author had mentioned how most often we love for our own selfish reasons... I cannot say I completely agree with that author. No. Where there is love and care, there is fear, protection (sometimes over), anxiety, etc. But the author is not completely wrong... I mean how many of us say that even if s/he does exactly what s/he wants I'll continue to love her/him??? If that was the case would we be hearing of parents disowning their children because they disobeyed them? Or worse, children disowning their parents because they felt 'unloved' as kids?

Why go to people? Let me take my own case... I so-called believe in unconditional love... But I have never hesitated in drifting away from a friend who has hurt me... Furthermore, most of my friends have moved away from my life and bizarre as it may sound, I still don't know how or why! 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they are the ones to be blamed. No. I'm sure I was equally responsible for whatever happened, but doesn't it change one's outlook on love? Isn't acceptance the most important part of love? I'm boring, probably yes... I don't like to hang out... For the heck of it... True... I lose my temper... Right... But won't I be accepted the way I am? Does being in relationships mean I must change the way I am...

Coming to the 'M' word, I am not even taking it!! It's been hyped so much. Each person has a different perception of it... Some say it changes you for the better, some say it changes you for the worse, I say it needn't change you!!!

Yes, there will be give and take... and in adults' favourite (my least favourite) words "Compromises" But character change? Life change? Behaviour change? Does it really happen? I've seen it happen... I change my question, should it really happen? 

Actually, I musn't be asking that question... I might not be married, but I have most certainly seen people change over time for someone else or something else... I can't change. Not unless I want to! And if I do, I won't blame someone else or something else... I'll take responsibility for it!

Coming back to where I started (I've said too many things, I know!!) Is it wrong to be a person who feels she can support herself emotionally even while being alone? Why are such people perceived as people with a 'wrong attitude'? I am not planning to live my life alone. No. I'm just saying that I can if I want to... And I will, rather than live false relationships!! 

"Role no. ****** Not selected" 

When I read this on screen, I was heartbroken. Yes, I had made tall claims "Karm ki chinta karo, phal ka nahiin..." But the truth was, the REJECTION had hurt me - big time. Now, I was not at home, so I couldn't cry on my mother's shoulders... I was alone, and had to deal with this alone. At first I locked myself in the guest room of my grandmother's house and cried. (Strangely there were no tears, only sound!) Then came the self pity mode - I was like "Why me?" And a stupid voice at the back of my mind said "That female with the roll no. preceding mine got selected. She was silent in the GD! What a dumb institution!" Whether the girl or the institution was dumb or not, the fact was; I was rejected!!! 

Then I dejectedly took my phone to type "I have got s-e-l-e-c-t-e-d" Yes! if you type rejected in t9en mode with your cell phone, it reads as selected!! Anyway at that time I was delving in too much self pity to notice it! But now I am looking at this whole 'rejection' from a new perspective.

Post this incident I realized that like everyone else, I too got affected when rejected, but a little less... (I am a megalomaniac!) I got rejected from more institutions on various pretexts, but after a point it fell on deaf ears!! But that grudge towards the institutions was there. My list of excuses kept increasing "That institute is not among the top ten anyway... Oh THAT institute? I was never keen on it... The canteen is not good there... That's in North India, too far from home... There is too much ragging there..." 

Why? Why does everything have to be a case of the fox's sour grapes? Why did I apply to those institutes in the first place if they were so bad? I had answers to these questions. Very loud and clear... "How DARE they reject me?"

Did they reject me? Or did I FEEL rejected? And why did I have to feel rejected? Did I really care that much that I was not going there for my further studies? Did I love that institution? NO!!! It was just one thing my ego was saying all along... "I shouldn't have got rejected"

Coming back to the fact that in T9en mode, rejected first reads as selected... Isn't that cue enough for one that selection and rejection are actually 2 sides of the same coin? I get rejected by some institution, it means I'm not fit to get into that institution now. It doesn't mean I'm completely unfit! 

I believe that there is a place for all of us somewhere. We just have to have the right attitude, patience and mindset to work hard to make that cosy place... And never ever stop believing in ourselves!!

Ok, enough of boring and didactic gyaan...  Do one thing... Follow 'megalomaniacism'! Simple!!!    

I don't have enough time to fill up this blog! I am busy. I am working. I don't have time to meet friends. I don't have time to be with my family. I don't even have time to think!!! Whoa... That really scares me! It's true I work. Six whole days a week! I love working... I like being busy. But too busy?? Like no time for people I care about? No time for writing and doing what I like to do??? 

The other day I was discussing relationships with a friend who told me that it was difficult to keep in touch with old friends or to get into a relationship with someone if one was working. This set me thinking... I have heard lots of stories of 'break up' of relationships because of 'lack of time'. I never believed them! Also, I used to wave a dismissal hand at people who told me "Start working, then you'll have no time for anybody or anything." But the past few weeks have been taxing... I'm  a person who loves to talk. Loves to think and absolutely loves to read and write. But from the past few weeks after work I just feel like switching off my mobile! I don't feel like talking to anybody. At all!!! And writing? My mind is active. Lots of thoughts and ideas in there... But I feel too lazy to take a pen and write! 

Just yesterday when I went online, a friend asked me why I've not been in touch for a while now... I actually said "I was too busy and lazy to come online!" Imagine that! Just a month ago, when my friend told me that I was angry. I had said "Can't one MAKE time for someone s/he cares about? Is it so difficult?" But now I was saying the same thing - shamelessly!!!

Coming back to making time... Now, today is a Sunday. I'm well rested, I'm online and don't have to make a serious effort to talk to people. So now, I'm thinking about making time. Making promises to myself and my friends. I've even told one I'll talk to her online tomorrow night assuring her I'm never too busy for friends... What about tomorrow? After a long hard day's work? Will I be equally enthusiastic? Or will I talk for the sake of talking? Because I promised? 

I am really good at time management. I have proved it during college. But I'm not interested in managing time alone now. No. I want to manage my relationships in that time. I mean, I want to be normal at home in spite of having had a long day in office. I want to chat with friends and LISTEN and respond normally. I want to stop thinking about work and rejuvenate as soon as I step home! I want to be able to go out for ice cream at night. I want to write my book till I sleep, not just stare at the screen blankly like I do now. And most importantly, I want to give all the time I can to my mother! (I'm not saying this because she reads my blog!) 

Today I realized I've been in denial mode all these days...  I had thought I wouldn't let those long working days affect me. I had promised myself I wouldn't think about work at home, about what happened, issues... In general I had promised myself I would always make time for myself and those whom I love! Yes, I'm doing these things, but where is the spontaneity? I still take calls from friends after work. Moreso because I don't want to hurt the person! Or even moreso because I don't want to accept that work life has changed my 'friends time'... And I literlally need to beg myself to stop thinking about work!! Na... Not about working the next day (!!) but about HOW MUCH work I had and how tired I am!!!

Making promises and keeping them (I'm stubborn) is easy. I will MAKE time in future... But what I really want is spontaneity. I must FEEL like it.. I must feel like writing my book for instance. I must feel like not thinking about HOW MUCH I worked... I must FEEL like calling my friends even after a busy day... I must feel like replying to friends' mails... I must feel like posting on this blog on weekdays as well!!!!

 

 

I'll start the next post where I left off... Why do I hate hypocrisy? Or must I say why do I feel I hate it? What is it that I hate about hypocrisy? Why do I use that word hate so much when I hate it? I call everything around me hypocritical - the society, our customs... But then I ask myself again... Why do I think it is so wrong when it is so normal/common? Why why why???

I started thinking about this because of an orkut question - "What are your turnoffs?" Instantly I wrote - hypocrisy! That's when I began seeking answers to all the questions I posed...

Over time I've realized WHEN I hate hypocrisy. I don't like it when someone close to me behaves like a hypocrite. I prefer it when someone says "what is" on my face rather than behind my back. But I've no control over people talking... So this doesn't bother me as much as the fact that people say things without meaning them...

A friend of mine had said she believes that communication can sort out almost anything, but when we had a misunderstanding, she refused to talk it out with me!!

On a more general level, I think most of our customs/beliefs/rituals are hypocritical. One classic example would be the society's non-acceptance of 'love'. If we take any story from the hindu mythology - the most important aspect is love. (I'm not getting into further controversial details!! Don't want to hurt public sentiments!! - Fine! I accept I'm a hypocrite!!!) When I ask "Why then the hesitance?" The prompt reply is - "We're mere mortals!"

By now, probably everyone must be saying "What's the big deal about this? We don't like hypocrites as well? How different are you?"

Well, let me justify... The difference is I can't accept hypocrisy. I feel strongly about it. There've been times when I've gone overboard, like for instance I mailed that same friend with whom I had issues, blatantly telling her things were still not ok between us and I just couldn't pretend! I felt pretty stupid later. I mean I could have continued to put on an act... It was not like she was going to give a damn anyway! I didn't even receive a reply for that mail!! But deep within I felt good. Like a burden was lifted off my shoulders...

Will hypocrisy continue to bother me? Will I give in eventually? As in will I EVER befriend a hypocrite??? You never know...

I am not titling this aricle! This blog is more like a conversation...Errr with myself! But still! I just type what I feel and feel what I type! No deleting, cutting, editing - nothing! Because words once said can't be unsaid (I know, BAD joke!!) 

I don't like titles. I am never good at thinking of one! And when I do, it just doesn't match with what I've written! And when the title is catchy, I have to write just to stick to the topic!!! Know what I mean???

Okay, confession. The blank space above is there because I completely lost track of my thought. Why?? Well, I went through what I wrote... And immediately, one part of my mind said "Just write the way everybody does - properly! With a topic; a title; a beginning, a middle and an end..." And then another part of my mind said "No! Just go ahead!" I randomly chose option two! So here goes...

Ok, my thoughts are making me bored. Why? Because they are distort, and I know I'm not making any sense! I'm restless. So much is going on in my mind... Some things I feel very strongly about... I'm seeking something... What is it? Why am I bored? Restless?? Why do I feel I'm being senseless? What made me break my promise about not reading whatever I type? Why that blank space?? Do I ALWAYS say what's on my mind? Is it even possible for me to do so? I very calmly say... "I hate hypocrisy!" Am I not a hypocrite myself? Well I hate the word "hate" and I'm using it... Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? I don't like/ don't agree with so many things... I still bear it all with a smile! Am I not a hypocrite even now? I say I like genuine people - yes. But is my definition of genuine even genuine? (Whew!!!) Am I making ANY sense???

Let me be honest, I just don't like what I've written! But still I'm posting it. Why? Because I said I would! Now tell me, what's more important? What I want? Or what I said I would do???

OK! OK.... I'm out of my 'meg' mode. I know this is being read (Is it now???) So I sign off with an apt title... Who said titles should  be at the beginning always???

TITLE:

Post 1: WHAT'S ON MY MIND?!

TRUTH: That's the title for ALL my posts!! (Ha ha!)